Hearing vs Listening with Couples Therapist B Snogles
Hearing vs Listening: Improving communication with the help of a couples therapist
Hearing and listening are wildly different concepts. Are you thinking up your rebuttal while your partner is talking instead of focusing on what they have to say and the information they are sharing with you? You may be hearing the words coming out of their mouth but you are not actually listening.
Communication breakdowns are one of the main reasons people seek couples therapy. The back and forth with no consideration or response to what your partner has said, is fairly common and can destroy relationships. Instead, take a curious stance, be an investigative reporter to get to the bottom of what they are trying to tell you. Stop taking everything so personally and realize that you do not have to agree with your partners experience, but you can listen.
Taking turns talking is necessary for each person to feel fully heard and understood. When you are listening, really aim to listen with your whole and open heart. If you are struggling to wait your turn to speak or are planning your rebuttal when you want to be listening, this may be an excellent time for a time out or break. Step away from the conversation and regulate yourself before you return and try listening again.
One way to ensure your partner feels heard is to recap what you have heard and check to see if you have missed anything. By doing this you are showing that you are actually listening and curious to know if they feel understood. When you follow up with curious questions you can actually assist your partner in learning more about themself in the process of sharing information with you. This is true listening and intimacy building.
If you are too dysregulated to continue listening to your partner, regulating yourself is the first step. Breathing exercises where you make your exhale longer than your inhale or running your hands under cold water or holding ice cubes are all excellent ways to break out of your dysregulation.
As with many things in couples therapy, changing how we listen is difficult. Learning to put down your own reactions, defenses, and emotions to truly hear your partner takes time and often is helped along with the help of a therapist. B Snogles is a therapist in Ann Arbor and across Michigan and Florida that is also an AASECT certified sex therapist. Contact B to schedule a session today!
