The Art of Conflict resolution: Learn to fight fair and build intimacy in your relationships
The Art of Conflict resolution: Learn to fight fair and build intimacy in your relationships
Understanding Conflict in Relationships
A lot of couples and relationships come to see me as a therapist and think that any conflict is a bad sign. In actuality, if you come to me and say you have no conflict I have far more concerns that you are avoiding conflict at all cost and resentment is building. Conflict is not a sign that your relationship is doomed to fail or that you can't work toward improved communication and happiness. The way that you fight and engage in conflict is what matters, are you showing up in conflict in a way that aligns with your values or do you need some support to get there?
The Importance of Effective Conflict Resolution
When we engage in conflict avoidance, passive aggression, or let resentment build it erodes trust and intimacy in a relationship. If you notice that you are piling on when in conflict, that is a sure sign that you have not resolved issues in your relationship as they come up. Bringing up issues as they arise is key to working through the conflict and finding repair and a way to move forward. It is very difficult to engage in values aligned thoughtful conflict if you are holding resentments from the last seven fights you have gotten into.
Common Causes of Conflict In Relationships
Conflict really amps up when we try to move from the glued to each other stage to the stage of a relationship where we attempt to be our own person again. This is a very common stage of relationships where people get stuck and begin to have a lot of conflict, trying to bring the relationship back to a time when no one was annoyed by the other and no one had strong opposing opinions. Beyond a relationship stage issue many people have conflict surrounding money, relationship agreements, jealousy, infidelity, and sex.
Communication Strategies for Conflict Resolution
Centering our values and how we want to show up in our relationships is key to successful communication through conflict. What do you notice yourself doing during a fight that you want to change? Getting very clear about your relationship values is a great way to zoom out and see your role in conflict and what you can do differently to change your relationship. There are also basic rules of fighting that are incredibly helpful to abide by.
Some things to keep in mind during conflict that will improve your relationship are:
No blaming, if your relationship turns into a blame game during conflict it is time to zoom out and try your best to stop the blame game in its tracks.
No yelling, it is important to understand that what everyone considers yelling will be different and it's important to consider the impact of your voice and volume on other people.
No name calling or swearing AT your partner(s), some people use colorful language as sentence enhancers, I am one of them. The difference here is, are you swearing AT your partner? Are you calling your partner names? These are things that erode trust and intimacy in a relationship, do your best to reel that in.
No threatening to leave the relationship or divorce. Every time you threaten to leave you are pushing on your partner's attachment wounds and creating an environment filled with relational anxiety. If you are truly feeling like you need to discuss dissolving the relationship, this is a conversation to have with a clear head and regulated body, not during a heated debate or argument.
Use “I” statements to describe your experiences and feelings, focusing on your own experience will remove your desire to fill in the blanks of what you think your partner is thinking, feeling or experiencing. This is far more challenging than it seems and takes practice. When someone isn't telling us how we feel we tend to fill in the blanks to assuage our own anxiety, this isn't helpful in relationships.
Stay in the present. Remember when I said if we don't resolve conflict we tend to pile on in future arguments? Once we are actively bringing up and working through issues instead of stuffing them and bringing them up later, we can look to the future and not dig up the past anymore.
Are you waiting for your turn to speak and planning your rebuttal when your partner is speaking? This isn't actually listening or engaging with what your partner is sharing with you. Take turns speaking and don't interrupt one another. Now take that a step further and begin to listen to understand versus listening to clap back. How can you take a curious stance when someone is saying something you don't want to hear or having difficulty hearing? One tip I give my couples and relationship therapy clients is to approach understanding their partner as though they are an investigative reporter. It really helps maintain curiosity to take on a different role than a grumpy defensive partner.
Once you have reached a place where you are yelling or blaming you are already out of your window of tolerance, you are now in a place where your body is flooded with stress hormones and this conversation has no chance of going well. Take a break. Take a break. Take a break. You cannot show up in a values aligned, thoughtful and caring way if you are activated in this way. This does not mean you leave the topic and never come back to it, this isn't a tool for conflict avoidance. You take a break, regulate yourself, and then come back to the conversation within 24 hours but no sooner than 45 minutes.
Active Listening Techniques
How do you feel heard when you are speaking? I can guarantee it is not when someone responds with their own gripes with you once you have shared yours. If you are struggling to respond in a calm and loving way it may be time for a time out. If you are able to respond but not sure what to say, recap what you have heard and ask if you missed anything. This shows that you heard what they are saying and are curious if there is more. This is a time to utilize your role as an investigative reporter, it really helps decrease the amount of defensiveness that shows up and takes over the conversation.
REMEMBER: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH WHAT YOUR PARTNER IS SAYING IN ORDER TO HEAR THEIR PAIN POINTS WITH CURIOSITY!
Identifying and Managing Emotions in Conflict
You would be surprised (maybe?) at how many people do not know what they are feeling or how to express their emotions, particularly in conflict. When I am working as a couple and relationship therapist, I recommend everyone print out a feelings wheel and have it available to them during the session. This gives people practice identifying and naming their emotions when I am there to guide them through it, so that eventually they are doing it reflexively without the help of a couples therapist.
Seeking Professional Help for conflict resolution
B Snogles is a couples therapist, marriage counselor and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist in Detroit and across Michigan and Florida. Contact B to schedule your first session today!
