Preparing for Polyamory: Reducing Relationship Enmeshment

Preparing for Polyamory: Reducing Relationship Enmeshment and Working with a Polyamory Therapist

Embarking on a polyamorous journey requires careful consideration, open communication, and a strong foundation of trust between partners. Before opening your relationship, it's essential to address relationship enmeshment and work with a polyamory therapist to navigate this transition successfully. In this blog post, we'll explore the importance of reducing relationship enmeshment and discuss the benefits of utilizing a polyamory therapist when opening your relationship.

Understanding Relationship Enmeshment

Relationship enmeshment occurs when partners become overly dependent on each other, losing their individual identities and boundaries. This can lead to a lack of personal autonomy and difficulties in maintaining healthy connections with others. Before transitioning to polyamory, it's crucial to reduce enmeshment and foster a balance between connection and independence. It is important not to swing in the opposite direction toward disconnection and hyper independence, there is a delicate balance of interdependence and autonomy needed for successful relationships. 

Decreasing relationship enmeshment involves creating a healthy balance between togetherness and individual autonomy. This is beneficial for all relationships, regardless of whether they are an open relationship or monogamous. Here are some strategies to foster independence and reduce enmeshment within your relationship:

• Schedule Individual Activities: Engage in hobbies, classes, or events independently, pursuing personal interests and fostering a sense of individual fulfillment. Put effort and energy into your friendships outside of your partnership. Take a moment to reflect, are all of your friends shared with your partner? This is a great time to begin to foster friendships not dependent on your relationship with your partner. Go on a trip with a friend without your partner, after saving up your individual fun money to do so. 

• Value Personal Time: Create a designated time for each partner to engage in self-care, reflection, or relaxation without feeling obligated to spend every free moment together. Just because you co-habitate and are both home does not mean that your default is to spend time together. Often when this becomes the default, the time is not quality and not actually serving the relationship anyway. Your time is your own, this is typically a very difficult shift for people to make if they are moving from monogamy to some form of open relationship. Taking the space to make your own plans with friends, family or even a plan for time alone is typically not the norm in relationships, particularly without consulting your partner first. This will get both of you used to owning your own time and not owning your partner's time. This may sound easier than it is and you could benefit from the help of a relationship therapist as you begin to disentangle in this way. 

• Make last minute plans that don't involve your partner. Moving from a mindset of we, us and permission, is challenging yet possible. This goes along with not asking permission to do what you want with your time and energy. 

• Respect Boundaries: Establish and maintain clear boundaries around personal space, emotional needs, and expectations. Respect your partner's boundaries and encourage them to do the same. When thinking about expectations, remember that your partner is unable to read your mind, if you expect something then you need to clearly communicate it so that your partner can either agree, disagree, or co-create a new option with you. Enlisting the help of a relationship therapist can help you to hold firm to what you want and not lose yourself to people please your partner.

• Practice Effective Communication: Communicate openly and honestly about your feelings, needs, and concerns. Develop healthy communication skills that respect each partner's autonomy and promote mutual understanding. This is something that a polyamorous therapist can absolutely help you with, as the majority of us are not taught how to communicate effectively.

• Expand Social Circles: Cultivate friendships and connections outside of your relationship to prevent isolation and foster a sense of community. This is listed again for good reason, it is incredibly important. 

• Schedule dates with your partner, intentional time together that doesn't involve you both on your phones at opposite ends of the couch the entire time. As a polyamory therapist, my goal here is a weekly date night that is set and you rotate who plans the date. 

• Discuss finances, early and often. What is the budget for your date nights together? Individual budget? Budget for dates with other people? If you share money, conflict over money is one of the biggest factors in break ups and divorce, so start talking about it sooner rather than later. 

• Research polyamorous and open relationship groups in your area, there may be meetups that you didn't even realize existed. This is a great way to meet other folks in open relationships and begin developing friendships outside of your relationship to your partner. 

• Have separate Bedrooms Whether monogamous, polyamorous, open relationship, relationship anarchist or any other relationship style I always make the suggestion to have separate bedrooms if you cohabitate. This is not for nights that you are in conflict, this is your space to make your own and take time for yourself. This is an incredibly beneficial step to opening your relationship and just as beneficial for monogamous relationships.

By incorporating these strategies into your relationship, you can reduce enmeshment and promote a healthier, more balanced dynamic between partners. Remember that a successful relationship involves not only strong emotional bonds but also personal growth and independence.

Working with a Polyamory Therapist

Engaging the services of a polyamory therapist can provide invaluable guidance and support during the process of opening your relationship. Some benefits of working with a polyamory therapist include:

• Identifying Areas of Enmeshment: A polyamory therapist can help you recognize patterns of enmeshment and provide strategies for establishing healthier boundaries and independence.

• Improving Communication: Therapy can help you develop the communication skills necessary for discussing expectations, boundaries, and concerns as you transition to polyamory.

• Navigating Emotions: Opening your relationship can bring up a range of emotions, such as jealousy, insecurity, and fear. A polyamory therapist can help you process these emotions and develop coping strategies.

• Developing a Solid Foundation for Polyamory: A therapist can guide you in creating a strong, trust-based foundation for your polyamorous journey, ensuring your relationship is prepared for the unique challenges and opportunities that polyamory presents.

Finding Polyamory Therapy Near You

To find a polyamory therapist who can support you in reducing relationship enmeshment and opening your relationship, search for professionals specializing in polyamory using keywords like "polyamory therapy near me," "polyamorous affirming therapy," "polyamorous affirming counseling," or "polyamory therapists."

In conclusion, addressing relationship enmeshment and seeking guidance from a polyamory therapist are essential steps in preparing for a journey to open your relationship. By fostering a balance of connection and independence, improving communication, and working through emotions with a skilled therapist, you can build a strong foundation for navigating the unique landscape of polyamory.